How to Deal With a Coworker Who Won’t Stop Complaining
How to Deal With a Coworker Who Won’t Stop Complaining
Giving them your advice probably won't help—but making them aware of their behavior might
What is it about complaining that is so enticing and traps some people more than others? We all work with colleagues who complain, and there are some who keep at it no matter what. But why? And what can you do to keep it from impacting your own morale?
People complain at work for many reasons. They may be bored, feeling under-valued, or simply uninterested in doing the work that is in front of them. They might feel they’ve been wronged or even betrayed by the institution or their boss. These emotions are strong, and many people don’t handle them well.
Interrupt to bring awareness to their behavior
The next time that chronic complainer comes to you with their gripes, interrupt them and ask them what the goal of the conversation is. Your intent needn’t be to antagonize them; but encourage them to consider solutions to their problems: to figure out what they need or what they’re trying to accomplish. Interject and say, “Before you go further, what do you want out of this conversation? Do you need me to help you problem solve, or just listen?” Be candid that you want to get on the same page with them before they continue, so that the conversation is a productive one. Don’t worry about being perceived as unprofessional for interrupting. Your response is warranted because it sets expectations for the conversation by identifying its purpose.
Here’s why interrupting can be beneficial: Often, people who engage in a persistent behavior are unaware of how persistent it is. It may feel normal to them, a habit that emerged without them realizing it. An interruption helps them hit pause, consider the purpose of their actions, and maybe become more self-aware. The first step toward changing behavior is gaining an awareness of it. Interrupting the pattern may help a persistent complainer do that.
Put structure around complaining
There is always time in the day to complain, so it can be helpful to put some structure to it. Some teams I work with have a weekly 10-15 minute meeting just for complaining. They “get it all out” during a set time and then get back to work. This complaint-fest also invites a sense of levity and and playfulness, which can actually help colleagues bond around their shared frustration
Time limits help too. How long are you willing to listen? Maybe it’s 5 minutes, maybe it’s 15 minutes. A former colleague kept an egg timer in her office. If someone came to complain to her, she set it for 10 minutes and told them to continue. They had to keep talking while the timer ticked along. Many people thought it was rude of her to do this, but most simply stopped going to her to complain. In her words, “My strategy worked!”
Another way to put structure to complaining is by coupling it with something positive. One team I’ve worked with called it “Complaints and Kudos.” They intentionally set aside time to complain, but during the same time, they also shared their successes. This team struck a balance with complaining by recognizing that some things at work are indeed annoying, frustrating, stressful, and worthy of complaints. But there are (hopefully) also a lot of good things happening too.
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